Today I came upon an amazing discovery.. I had known it all along, but it had not been so real to me..
Yesterday in my mind, according to my own perception and opinion, I was having a “not so good day”. Honestly the day was just as blessed as any other.. I had health and strength, I woke up in my right mind and had made it through the day with healthy children, nothing had happened that would be detrimental to the rest of my life..I’m still a mother just like I was yesterday, my children are still 4 and 5 years old.. that hasn’t change til next month, I’ll be a mother of a 13, 6 and 4 year old.. Whoopi!! I’m really gonna be rocking and rolling then.. But nothing in my life changed in any drastic way, my children were still healthy and they were still functionally obedient something with a little bit of correction.. But I decided I was having a “bad day”. Do you know what I do on “bad/Stressful days”.
I make it an excuse to go out and buy some food from out.. most times I don’t cook!
Does it affect my pocket book! drastically, monthly we spit out at least 200.00 on take out.. Now I would say if we could cut that by the end of the year we could have a fully paid for trip to Disney world.. but it’s my god.. It’s what I turn to..
Yes, I sit on the pews every Sunday.. and I listen to the pastor and amen him.. Internally rationalizing… “At least I’m not using drugs like my dad did to cope and at least I’m not drinking to forget like mom did from time to time, I am simply eating.. but ladies and gentleman it’s a trick of the enemy, this is my functional god so that God is not the God of my life when I am struggling and want to tell someone off.. I may not be laiden with anger going on binges, but I could sure eat some Texas Roadhouse.. I will tell you my poison because I understand that anything hidden can not be healed, if I do not come out and expose myself I am living in the darkness and I will never conquer what I feel has conquered me and controls my life.. I eat at the Texas Roadhouse at least 3 nights a week.. but on other occasions, I eat at wendy’s McDonald’s, chipotle, and every weekend I eat pizza, and pasta.. from Domino’s… So I know that if I could go one month without these things i would have saved my household a whole bunch of money and it would be even better if emotions didn’t rule me, and I would actually sit down and make a schedule to cook meals all the time.. for one month test drive.. how awesome would that be ya’ll if I put this god to death, for my family.. for those who know me.. for my relationship with God.. I am willing at this point to acknowledge I have a god I say I serve and I have a functional god and when I am under pressure, it’s perfectly possible however to plan to do other things when I’m under stress that will lead me back to God and really put Him back on the throne of my heart!