I have waited a long time to share this, but I feel the time has finally come.. I think that secrecy is to sickness what openness is to healing! I think that many times we perfect the art of wearing masks… Especially in the church. I think we tend to believe that if we can not say we are dealing with something but mask it by pretending it’s not there or covering it with something else we have tended to think that is what makes us an over-comer.
Yet the Word Clearly States that He bestows upon us beauty for ashes, therefore if we have no ashes where is this beauty coming from. The word says that He would turn our tears to joy, so if we are too afraid to cry every now and then aren’t we lacking seriously the true joy that comes from authenticity!
My truth is this.. A person is not good because he or she always does what’s right, but what makes them good is that they quickly rectify all wrongs when they know it in their hearts to make it right!
This afternoon I was thinking on some things as I was blessed today to have more than enough….. It is true that God can provide joy to be shared… more than enough.. Life more abundantly and even comfort to give to others even when you want to be comforted.
When I was born my mother and father were not married, we lived in the projects and many nights we heard gunfire throughout the night, we would hide in closets and under beds many times. But this was our normal so no one ever complained that maybe we shouldn’t live that way. You see we were better off than the people in 3rd world countries. When I would go outside the door, the hallway lights were always broken so it was always pitch black in case someone needed to run from the police and hide or simply use the restroom on the floor in the hall.. many times the smell would tell you that there was no restrooms in any of these project apartments. But that too became normal for us. I remember going to a nursery that was in the very front of the project and there being a man there who took his penis out and put it in my mouth.. I stood there frozen, loathing the smell and the feel of it.. I tried my hardest for years to make myself forget that event, but I had not known it would scar forever the way I viewed sex in real context!
When we finally moved out of the projects we moved into another neighborhood that was not so cool there was a liquor store on the corner, but boy did I love the frozen cup lady right around the corner.. I loved the way daddy loved his music, he would turn up the music really loud and jam out.. sometimes my mom’s twin and uncle would come over and play domino’s and drink with mom and dad.. Yet I never would forget those darn rats, daddy tried his hardest not to let us see them, but many times they would die right next to the washing machine and we would hear the loud Clap when the trap had caught them. I remember that my sister Keisha was born around this time and she was very sick. Things went down in our household after that even more so, you could say we were making it by a thread up until now.. I remember eating butter on bread with a sprinkle of sugar for dinner.. I could remember going to ask the neighbors for sugar, milk, or eggs so that mom could successfully complete dinner.. I remember us being like a sort of a community, my parents knew all our neighbors by name and sometimes sat out to talk to them until she would realize they would share things with each other about her and she began to keep to herself a little more and choose her friends more carefully, and the one’s she hang closely with became few.. Because the women were just too “Messy”!
I remember mama being in the hospital with Keisha all the time and daddy could not go up to see her because the state was not supposed to know that we knew him or he even lived with us, she had written the wrong name on our birth certificate, and had lied to the state to get benefits for my sickly sister as well. She had had 3 liver transplants by the time she was 5.. This new life giving medications and taking care of someone who was special needs was a whole new ball game for them.. Dad turned to Drugs and mama, well she “Drank to forget” on the weekends with her sisters and soon she started taking trips to the club on weekends and not getting home until 3-4 in the morning! Daddy was there with us.. He watched us..
When Housing Authority were made aware by constant reminders by my mother we moved.. That’s something my mother taught me well.. How to handle my business. so I view people who do any kind of business with me as “handling my business” Even today if I call Verizon about my cable and internet, or should I have to call the light company with a question about my bill or anyone else.. I always start out with an attitude as if, you’re going to need to right this wrong and not explain for me to be happy and us to have a good conversation, amazingly I did not view thing as people at all!
Pretty soon we were moving again, I was 14 by now, no longer a virgin without the love and affection I needed I searched to fill a void.. An empty space.. Anyone ever had that..
I don’t normally tell my real testimony because only few could handle it.. about how I was born 9 months after my brother and they told me they wanted an abortion with me, but daddy made mama have me.. I understand that now by the way.. I don’t share in my testimony how to comment used to haunt me when my daddy told me that he had regretted the day I was born and I was his worst child. I did not get over that until I realized I am God’s child and He wants me it doesn’t matter who doesn’t.. So I subconsciously began to look for someone anyone who would want me at that time!
We moved again and I remember daddy taking us to his sister’s house in the project every now and then to take us to school because he had to work early in the morning when he worked at City park before he was fired for reasons I can not mention publicly. Shame followed much of my life until I met Christ.
But this event is one of those times there was such a peace to come over me.. You see he would take us to his sister’s house in the project and he had a special knock he would do on the door when we would have fallen asleep in the car and it was way too early to be awake.. he would say … “Boo” when they opened the door! My brothers would sleep downstairs on the sofa bed and I would sleep upstairs in the room if it were available and those were the best mornings of my life.. there was a fan in the window and a wondrous white noise. My grandmother whose apartment this was originally when she had raised all her kids had been a praying woman, a woman who lived in church so she would constantly have gospel music playing in the house to consecrate it.. There was a special presence I would feel in this house.. It was a chill that would go up and down my spine and I don’t know how anyone can say this without getting criticized but the feeling of that room made me feel so loved.. it was a place where I felt so safe.. the crispness of the way it was set with the sound of that fan blowing would send me into an immediate place of tranquility! I would sleep like a baby and always hated to get up and have to go to school!
When we had been living in this house for quite some time I had the best years of my life on the dance team that first year, it was the only year mom could afford.. I had wished I could have been more involved in more things… Daddy was very strict on me, he made sure that I stayed away from boys, I’d better not mention a boy, or look at a boy or even consider a boy because daddy whipped me quite often and his whippings were what I called Malignants… I mean mama might smack you in the mouth every now and then, but daddy, oh he had serious anger issues and when he was angry he would not stop..I remember one night being asleep and when he got home he whipped me in my sleep and I remember squirming around that bed.. until this day I still have a fear of my dad’s voice, if he were to come in the room behind me and speak I would literally quake.. I would be very afraid of him.. he did not come across as a very loving father when I was a girl and neither did my mother.. So I sought out this love, in boy after boy until I realized that they could not satisfy.. One day I came to a realization that Christ was my answer.. I had been the only one in my house who would faithfully go to the catholic church since mom told me we would always be catholic… But in high school a friend from one of my classes invited me to her uncle’s church.. this was the church that changed my life and could honestly say that my growth in Christ is highly predicated on what this church was to me in this pivitol time in my life.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant.. Old habits die hard you know.. I was only 16 almost 17 and I had no clue.. I remember how I felt! I knew I would have someone now who would love me and whom I could love. But what was I asking for… Angel was born with no gallbladder and a bad liver.. How was I going to manage this.. Now here I was a 17 year old with a daughter who needs a liver and mama doesn’t want to help me take care of her because she has problems of her own.. I went into a foster home and then from pillar to post until finally I lost My Sweet Angel! I wished with all my heart I could have kept her, but I had failed drastically at this and what I had done could not have been undone no matter how hard I tried. She was given to her daddy in temporary custody!
Pretty soon she was gone and I had no clue where she was.. I cried so many nights.. I grieved so long, and that’s when I really developed a relationship with God. I can not point to any specific person who helped me through this.. it was only the Lord.. No one would understand on my level at that time.. and I would tell that young woman if I could meet her today in my shoes.. Hold on… Everything will work out for your good in the end.. Don’t let go.. Don’t lose hope.. Keep praying.. An Aniah is coming and a Benjamin.. just wait on the Lord, You will make it through this.. and although you can not go back and change things forgive yourself and receive God’s forgiveness, make sure you’ve asked forgiveness then go on.. in love!
This was one of the hardest seasons of my life.. when I lost my baby.. I remember the nights I cried but I was crying out to the Lord.. it was His way of drawing me closer to Himself. I didn’t know it then because the pain was so unbearable!
Well it was bearable seeing I made it right!
When I had gone through this I left for the army, one of the most instrumental experiences in my life. I will have to say this.. this experience allowed me to grow even more in the Lord, I did not stay in the military long because this was a new way of living for me.. and I had never thought life could be so disciplined.. and I had to learn this new way and well I was not ready!
When I got home I had been a preacher about 4 months.. and I was in a prepping season to preach my first sermon and right before I was to preach my first sermon I was raped.. I was raped by the head deacon.. I thought my life would be getting better I had really sought the Lord on his calling on my life… and yet I get so close and then I am sat down by the pastor of the church, my sermon which I had invited everyone to was called off and the head deacon was still in his position because I was a called office he was appointed.. I thank God so much for allowing me to release this and get true healing!
I remember frantically trying to build a life for myself.. Staying in ministry, going to college.. I moved in with Frances at this time.. and well, you don’t want the whole story on Frances and what that story means to my life so I will leave that out of this testimony when you know me better I will share it with you!
I then moved to the place I currently live in Texas.. and well, it was a huge shift but there’s something about not doing it alone.. Still Angel had not come back it had been years and much court battles I had won but still lost!
I’m in Texas, and this is where I meet Aaron, my dear sweet husband. He takes me in from the beginning and takes care of me.. although something is not right, we don’t start off on the right foot.. You see I’m the homeless girl he’s taking in to help for only a time.. he doesn’t know my background or my past intimately all he wants to do is be my hero and that’s exactly what he was.. We began to have sex not long after we met and was living together.. Our time together produced a son named Benjamin.. again you would have to know me better to hear this testimony.. there are just some parts you don’t share..
Benjamin, my sweet little prince was born and Aaron and I were married not long afterward. He is my king now, my head.. and that’s all that matters. Pretty soon my life got tangled up in Aaron and although I still loved honored and revered God, He had chosen to open my womb at this time, I had several abortions and I finally had Aniah and that was it, I had my tubes tied. The fruit of my life is plenty.. I am not the same person i was 10 years ago or even 6 years ago.
When my husband and I separated 2 months ago I had no clue I would be able to be sustained this well without him.. I know that God is in control and that He is my Father and I have no doubt of it. I absolutely love the job He has blessed me with and it is nothing but Him sustaining me. I just want to say that I have found true contentment in Him. I could go on and on, but you see my story is not done yet I still have plenty more miracles and testimonies to tell because my God is faithful. I’m still here.. I haven’t died yet. God still has a purpose and plan for me that supersedes all I will ever face and that will lead me into eternity!